Poor William’s Whims:

The Green Zebra

By POOR WILLIAM

Could it be a Green Zebra?

Damn, is Poor William dropping acid or what? A green zebra, you gotta be kidding? No, PW is not dropping acid, nor has he lost the last vestige of sense he has, which ain’t much. A green zebra is an Heirloom tomato.

The skin is emerald in color with green stippling and yellow striations. The flesh is intensely tart, acidic, with a hint of lemon and bacon flavor. It needs nothing. Salt, pepper, vinegar, and all the usual accoutrements are superfluous to the green zebra, and in fact, nigh on violate it. The green zebra stands alone–three ounces of icon.

Poor William has decided to coin a new Southern idiomatic saying,” It’s a green zebra.” Intensely proud of himself is Poor William. In the South and other places a stone pony was something that was incomparable like a fine chick, a light mule was considered to be the best that could be had, and a brick house (a lady with a fine build who according to Lionel Ritchie was “Mighty-Mighty”) could not be beat with a Sheriff-Bufford-Pusser-McNairy-County-Tennessee-Walking-Tall-Pulp-Wood stick.

All the above-mentioned descriptions can apply to a range of things, but the one thing they share irrevocably is all four can apply to WIMMINS–think Little Rascals. The Little Rascals were the shit–OOPS, I forgot about that modern day misnomer/euphemism for something that is the best, but Poor William was not a member of Spanky and Alfalfa’s Wimmin Haters Club, except when he couldn’t get a date, and that is understandable.

Cool Chicks are surely the coolest things in the universe and green is undoubtedly the coolest color in the world, and tomatoes are the most awesome fruit–I still think of them as a vegetable–in existence; and the fact they grow beautifully in God’s country–the Mississippi Delta in October through May–is the coupe de grace

So, Prince William, The Magnificent, The Able, The Noble, and The Ready, The Duke of Seminole and West Second, The Garrulous and Often-Aggrieved, and Master of All He Surveys–NOT, hereby decrees, labels, and lends ascending assent to the self-aggrandizing portended meteoric rise of the nearly indescribable power phrase–A GREEN ZEBRA!

What is a green zebra?

• Someone as fine as Angelina Jolie sans morning breathe, which surely she has never had anyway.
• Grace Kelly after a morning shower on the Riviera.
• My cool-ass wife who I think is hot, crazy, and seems to like me.
• Ole Miss winning its first nine games of the season. No, bulldogs, don’t say it…
• A local libation accidentally filled by the bartender with three jiggers of Scotch whiskey.
• A refund from the IRS–I heard they were out there, but I’ll be damn if I can find mine.
• A statuesque beauty with a sundress, a little color on her cheeks, arms, and legs, and a wafting aroma defined by the gentle melding of perfume, pheromones, and expectation.
• Any freshwater fish other than a gar or grinnel, which exceeds in size and weight what your buddy last caught.
• A dog that worships the ground you walk on–still looking for my stray.
• A three-inch thick rib eye streak from Wong’s Grocery, with a twice-cooked baked potato and a green salad with olive oil and vinegar.
• An awesome, unexpected musical set at one of Clarksdale’s blues and beverage venues.
• AND, finally, Angelina Jolie and Grace Kelly–together–with no morning breath after a morning shower on the Riviera. Just sayin’!

So, the next time you need a euphemism to describe the indescribable, just refer to it as a Green Zebra, and tell ‘em, Poor William sent ya! And let him know via the comment section what you consider to be a green zebra? Y’all comment! Ya hear?

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