alfred e deere
By Mr. Lil’ John McKee
Guest Bohemian
Multiple choice question-
1. From the following three choices, which is the most appropriate to put in iced tea?
a. Artificial sweetener
b. Organophosphate insecticide
c. Tea is a symbol of capitalist oppression
Greetings.
To all you yellow-bellied, lily-livered, tofu-eating fraidy cats who chose the first answer – incorrect! Artificial sweetener is a harmful substance and the origin of a multitude of illnesses and other evils, especially erectile dysfunction. You don’t believe me? I’ve been using that mess for 10 years my damn self; come to find out that’s what’s been…well, anyhow, I know it to be factual.
As any red-blooded American knows, artificial sweetener is just plain wrong. Organophosphate insecticide is the correct answer – see below.
Finally, if you answered c., I swear by the bones of my late father, Mordecai Batticus, a fifth generation Delta riverboat worker and confidence man, that I’m fixing to send you to Bolshevik heaven.
As for the correct answer, organophosphate insecticide, everybody knows, IT DON’T KILL NOTHING! And it don’t hurt nothing. There ain’t a critter this side of the Rockies that ain’t resistant to it, so what’s the harm in putting a little sweet-smelling, sweet-sounding compound like Orthene between the cheek and gum? You know what the harm is? It’s that folks are scared of it for no reason. And fear leads people to do dumb things like trying to ban all organophosphate insecticides. It don’t make no sense. This world is eat up with scared folks, and I reckon it’s plumb ridiculous. My Pappy told me “if you’re skeered, say you’re skeered”. Well, Pappy, I ain’t scared of nothing, hardly.
Now, my friend, Myron, he is from a different mold, an educated turkey but dumber than hell I reckon, and scared of damn near everything. He’s scared of all the poisons on food; he’s scared of too much carbon in the air and the world overheating; he’s scared of eating genetically-modified organisms; he’s scared of nukeylar power. Folks like him can’t see the forest for the trees.
What would happen to folks if we didn’t have no more poison to kill critters with? Starvation for one thing – the critters would eat up what all we’re supposed to be eating, and it wouldn’t be enough left over to feed anybody. There’s enough hungry people already. Don’t nukeylar power stop all that carbon in the air?
And what about disease and such? Ain’t it documented that a little bit of DDT in Africa could stop the death of millions who are dying of malaria –ain’t that worth something? Ain’t stuff like poison and nukeylar power doing anything good in this world?
Well, Myron don’t think so. He says the poison on his Delta plantation hurts people. He says he is trying to keep his folks away from it to protect them. He said he found this 20 years ago scribbled on the side of a paste-board box at his shop, and it really bothered him. He figured one of his workers done it:
Early in the morning
Trying to put on my shoes
Cain’t feel my feets
Got the dimethoate blues
I breathes that stuff on Monday
Tuesday, Wednesday too
Ain’t got no bugs on me, man
Got the dimethoate blues
My baby, she done left me
She said “you smell so bad”
That damn organophosphate
It make me doggone sad
Myron’s bleeding-heart ass is scared of everything, and he ain’t got a lick of common sense. For one thing, the damn fool will climb his self up in an airplane and fly all the way around the world. God did not intend for anything bigger than a buzzard to fly in the air. Not only the flying part is dangerous; they tell me there’s at least one shoe bomber on every other flight leaving places like Detroit and Los Angeles.
It’s undoubtfully on account of the CIA, the Marines, and U.S. Marshals packing heat on the planes that more of them don’t blow up. You ain’t catching Dingus P. Batticus on no airplane any time soon, no sir. With all the folks running around this country that ain’t even American, you’ve got to keep your eyes open all the time.
And everybody up there in Washington now is doing their level best to come take away what freedom I got left. That’s what I keep Clint for – Clint is my Colt 1911 ACP .45 automatic pistol. It’s just for shooting cans – some Ameri-CANS and some non-Ameri-CANS. Yuk yuk.
One thing me and Myron agree on, he says I’m right about there being a bunch of folks scared of stuff they don’t need to be scared of. At least we can agree on that. I reckon folks oughta settle down a bit and look on the bright side every now and again. Myron tells me about some smart Count-no-count feller over in Oxford that said that we’re going to be all right in the end. I don’t know; I reckon he’s right; hell, I’m scared to say.
Read this article from the website Health Ambition titled “The 2 Healthiest Sweeteners to Replace Sugar and Aspartame.”
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