Addict Talks To Himself About Addiction – VIDEO

I wasn’t going to share anything today but I have an unction. I have been thinking about addiction today. I think about that all the time. If you are an addict and you don’t think about addiction then you are probably going to get in trouble. 

There are a million things I could say, but what has hit me today is addiction is a son-of-a-bitch. It is. Some folks think it is a sin. Some think It’s a disease.  May be somewhere in between. I know for me, it probably started out as a sin, and then, after awhile, you do enough stuff, Epigenetics changes your brain. 

I do have a disease now, but I also have the tools to choose to do the right thing. But it’s a daily thing. It is something I can’t get cocky about. There isn’t a day that goes by, three years and nine months later, that at some juncture, I don’t want to feel the burn of bourbon going down my throat, particularly cold bourbon. But I can’t think on that. And when I do, I apply the principles I learned in recovery, and the principles Madge and I read about every morning when we read a whole chapter of Proverbs every day of the month.

Those things help. But it is still a choice. I’m glad I have the principles. I am glad I am a member of fellowships that have accountability with people that understand me. But I don’t speak for any group I am a part of. This is just me individually speaking. 

Addiction is tough. Not everybody that drinks, not everybody that smokes weed, not everybody that does drugs, is an addict or an alcoholic. But I am. It took me a long time to figure that out.

I have got what we call a disease of more. Some folks say, can’t you just have a beer? No, I can’t. Like my buddy, Miguel, says, you ain’t got enough. Somebody may say, well, I’ve got two cases! You still ain’t got enough! That’s just how it works.

I was out walking yesterday down some turn-rows and fella in a farm truck pulled up, and I’m thinking, man, I’m probably not supposed to be here! He said, “You alright?” And I said, “Yeah, I’m sorry. Am I not supposed to be out here?” And he said, “Oh, I know who you are. You alright! You can walk anywhere out here.” 

We did a little fit bump and he said, “You want a cold beer?” And I went, “I couldn’t stop at just one!” It was nice of him to offer, and I wanted it, but I just started walking again. 

Basically we say in addiction for those that are addicts — and if this doesn’t apply to you then it doesn’t apply to you, and even if it does, if you are an addict and don’t want help, you ain’t gonna get it until you are ready… sometimes it takes folks a lot of times to get ready. For me, I knew I had one shot at it. I may not have ended up on heroin or something else, but I was going to kill myself. Why? Because I was miserable. It was depression and all kinds of things… Folks may say, that’s TMI, Billy.

I’m just chunkin’ it out there. I’m three year nine months clean and sober. I’m thankful to be able to kayak and walk and to be able to do a devotional with my wife every morning. To go to bed early, to enjoy my job… I’m blessed!

But the worm could turn tomorrow. I may not be able to kayak. I may not be here tomorrow. I may not be able to walk tomorrow. 

So, I’ve got to keep my faith in God and as an addict, keep applying the 12-steps or just the principles of them. 

The first time I went to a meeting was years ago when I got a DUI, court mandated, and everybody in there was saying, hey, I’m Jimmy, I’m an alcoholic. And I thought, Jimmy, you don’t remember your own name?! And now I’m saying, hi, I’m Billy and an alcoholic and an addict. And in saying that I am reaffirming who I am. I am reminding myself that I need help. And I do! 

I probably couldn’t stay clean and sober by myself. I do have the tools now. I am thankful for the fellowship. I am thankful for a wife that understands me and a God that forgives me every single day. But, as we say in addiction, everybody that is an addict who doesn’t get help, in whatever form, we are going to end up in jails, institutions, or dead. Or destitution. That is a true metaphysical certitude. 

It is one day at a time and I ain’t gettin’ cocky because I could fall tomorrow. Actually, I could fall here in the Yazoo Pass any minute.

Cheers! Y’all have a good day.

My soapbox today was at me. 

— Chilly Billy Howell

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