CRAZY BILL UPSTAIRS
PONTIFICUS MINIMUS OPINES
NOTE: The reason Poor William and Pontificus both love to refer to themselves in the third person is because many politicians and preachers do it all the time, and the two boys want to share in the awesome sense of grandeur the third person spoken in the first person provides to such splendiferous leaders.
Someone very close to Pontificus caught the eye of the Canon to the Ordinary from the Bishop’s office in the fine and venerable State of Mississippi for the denomination “heretofore with” he is a “hope-to-be-not-put-on-the-street-any-time-soon” parishioner.
It is not known if his “appears to be a Greek god” physique was the catalyst that unfurled the fuss, or was the canon’s eye caught because a big Scarlet Letter was waved profusely in front of it? One may never know; however, it started Pontificus opining.
His thinking led him to some pretty funny considerations. They are not aimed at any one inimical person, and any similarity to the folks who think it is referring to them is most likely fictional. If individuals reading this opine easily get their drawers knotted up, then they should proceed no further, but head the other direction on a dead run.
If Ole Pontificus, who spent a couple of years getting a tiny old associates degree in practical theology–he ain’t a “Right Reverend” yet–could create denominational or high church positions that could serve utilitarian or practical purposes, they might be as follows:
Ø Bishop to the NOTORDINARY: Now, Pontificus might just be a blessing in this official capacity, because he would surely consistently offend the ORDINARY. The NOTORDINARY bishop should be over all the other bishops, because, what is ordinary?
Ø Bishop to the EXTRAORDINARY: Whew, Pontificus can’t fill these shoes. These folks are few and far between nowadays, and the person who is their bishop and minister better have his own pew dusted.
Ø Bishop to the REACTIONARY: These are the folks who react to anything new or different, even if it is scriptural.
Ø Bishop to the DICTIONARY: These parishioners always follow the letter of the law and are made up of grammar haints–those who require every biblical “jot and tittle” to be in order. Pontificus has been there before, but has been “set free,” except for the grammar part; he does love to hear the good King’s English spoken and read in Church!
Ø Bishop to the VERYLEARY: Newcomers are “suspect” to this ever-watchful clan; they have yet to have the big question answered for them: “Who are your people and what do they do?”
Ø Bishop to the HEREDITARY: This bishop would have to do a lot of “licking.” These folks are cradle-to-the-gravers whose daddy’s daddy gave some seed money when the church was founded and made sure the preacher man got to hunt the best duck breaks as long as he did what he was told, at least hit a lick at a snake every now and again, let them out before the Baptists on Sunday and brought his own liquor to the duck blind.
Ø Bishop to the CANARY: Want to talk about some pretty people? These folks are easy to minister to as long as this bishop remembers to consistently remind them how beautiful they are. Their job is to sound pretty and be pretty, at church and everywhere. Think Billy Crystal doing the Latin lover Fernando Lamas on Saturday Night Live, “You look mahvelous dahling!” And, they do!
Ø Bishop to the SEDENTARY: The back row never intimidates these folks. A little catnap and some quiet time ain’t all bad to these cats. They might never volunteer to take sweet rolls to the local care station, but they aren’t going to raise much of a ruckus about anything. Pontificus might like this job, because hitting a lick at a snake can be quite tiresome, and these folks won’t challenge him too often or loudly.
Ø Bishop to the PROCEDUREARY: This bishop will never lack folks who will keep him on track according to Robert’s Rules of Order or “empirical” church tradition. There is a procedure for everything.
Ø Bishop to the JERRYJERRY: This special population can be vexatious as they learned the art of reconciliation from watching the Jerry Springer show. Rarely will this bishop have a break from battling intra-church fratricide and misanthropy.
Ø Bishop to the VERYWEARY: It ain’t easy being a martyr, but these folks sure do love to remind everyone how worn out they are from doing the “Lord’s work”–around the clock–eight days a week and 25 hours a day. They do get a lot done, but this bishop will need to do a lot of stroking to keep this productive, “field-unto-the-harvest” crew busy as worker bees.
Ø Bishop to the BARELYCANFUNCTIONARY: Pontificus is called to minister here to his own people–his kin–his own kind–his peeps.
Ø Bishop to the MISTERJANUARY: WHEW, Pontificus has found his CALLING. These are the folks, who along with their bishop, enjoy life, don’t take it too seriously because it has already ground them down a bit, and who still love the Lord. Imagine that?
We highly encourage comments!
Can I get three cheers for Bishop of MISTERJANUARY? Hip hip—-ohhh cover that up.