The Amish Mullet

By Poor William

The irascible cavalier is growing out his no-longer-flaxen locks. Poor William is anxious to again have the hair-of-great-length he wore about five years ago; the very same hair that so assiduously eluded him in his youth. In order to maintain the allusion of great and equal length, he must avoid the Mullet–Sam Mullet that is.

What say ye Poor William? Who or what is a Sam Mullet? Could it perchance be the business-in-the-front, party-in-the-back hairdo made famous by a host of Good Ole Boys, including Billy Ray Cyrus? Nay, nay, fair reader.

Sam Mullet, the 66-year-old leader of a breakaway Amish group in Ohio, set up his own sect 15 years ago. He felt the group he was a part of was not strict enough and he “just wanted to drop out of sight and just take life easy.”

Hey Sam, life ain’t that easy without electricity Buddy, but I hear ya, Poor William and the other 300 million Americans want the same thing—“the easy life”—but we ain’t afraid of a little electricity.

Jump to Mid-October 2011: Sam’s “Boys,” his posse, his congregants are accused of forcefully cutting other Amish people’s hair. Amish women’s long hair and the beards of their men are held in high esteem and they have great spiritual significance. Traditionally, Amish men begin growing beards when they become adults and do not trim them once they marry.

According to the AP, Mullet denies ordering his people to cut beards, but he says he would not stop them from doing so. He said his goal was to send a message to other Amish who lived in Holmes County (the largest Amish community in the world) that they should feel ashamed for how they have treated Mullet’s community.

Mullet was quoted as saying, “We’d like to get up in the morning, be left alone, live like normal people. They won’t leave us be.”

Now Sam, as one possessing a host of libertarian values, I am all for being left alone: to a degree. But Sammy, you cannot go cutting people’s hair. It just ain’t Christian without their permission. And you know this, Sam!

On Oct. 3, several men are accused of entering the home of Amish Bishop Raymond Hershberger. They chitchatted about the weather, then the men announced abruptly, “We’re here for Sam Mullet to get revenge.” What a great John Wayne/Clint Eastwood line!

The self-appointed “trimmers” then held Hershberger and his son down while they cut their beards with scissors and a batter-powered clipper. A battery-powered WHAT? Sam, is that kosher? Shouldn’t your goon squad have shunned a battery-operated tool of the devil, or is it okay because it wasn’t plugged in? Or, is it okay if it was initially charged by AC power, but unplugged during the forced exfoliation? Sam, do tell?

The “trimmers” were then taken to a nearby county to do some more cuttin’. They hired a driver, which is not uncommon among the Amish. Smacks of a little hypocrisy, Sam?

Mullet, Sam to me, has been feuding with the local sheriff for years over a custody dispute. He sued a sheriff in another county in 2008 over the seizure of two of his granddaughters from their mother. They settled out of court.

He believes he should be able to punish people who break the laws of his church.

“You have your laws on the road and the town—If somebody doesn’t obey them, you punish them. But I’m not allowed to punish the church people?” Mullet said. “I just let them run over me? If every family would just do as they please, what kind of church would we have?”

Sammy, no, you cannot punish people who don’t agree with you or who break “your” rules. I know this makes you sad and you will need to find something or somebody else to whip on. I know this, but you can’t be punishing everybody who “runs over you.” What the heck does that mean anyway? If they break the laws of the church, how does that equate to “running over you?” Just asking, Sam! Just asking!

Last week authorities arrested two “Sons of Sam,” 38-year-old Johnny Mullet and 26-year-old Lester Mullet, along with 53-year-old Levi Miller, on burglary and kidnapping warrants. They should just leave the Mullets alone; the boys might have just been having a “bad-hair day!”

In 2008, another Son of Sam, Crist Mullet, was convicted of three counts of unlawful sexual conduct with a minor. He was sentenced to six months in jail. Sam said his son should not have been charged, because he had confessed his sins and stopped his behavior.

Well, I’ll be damned, Sam; the Sons of Sam are not held to the same set of laws as the non-Mullets. What if the original “Son of Sam” David Berkowitz, after having been arrested for six random murders, was not charged because he confessed his sins and he had changed his behavior? New York City would not look the same. It would have a few hundred less folks living in it, Sam.

Also in 2008, another Son of Sam, Eli Mullet, pleaded guilty to threatening the local sheriff. He received probation. He must have said he was sorry?

Even some of Sammy’s children—at least 17 by all reports—have broken the faith with Sam the Father.

The Holmes County sheriff said the community is peace loving, but Amish leaders in the area felt the only way to stop the attacks was to press charges. Amish bishops have criticized Mullet for his strict views and his shunning of members of his own community.

“This kind of Amish-on-Amish violence is extremely rare,” said David McConnell, an anthropology professor at Wooster College in Amish country.

I would have to concur with the anthropologist on this one. I have never heard of Amish-on-Amish violence, but then again, with a last name like MULLET and first names that sound like they are right out of Yoknapatawpha County: Sam, Lester, Johnny and Levi, you can expect some ass-whuppin’, sheriff-and-hippie-hattin’, gonna-breed-at-least-17-times Redneck-type behavior.

Sam, change Lester, Johnny and Levi’s names to Biff, Fauntleroy, and Percy and you might get some right behavior. If you do not, then may a 1,000 goats shit on your head, but I hope you get to keep your beard and hair, because no one should have their hair clipped without their permission, unless you are a “beard bomber.”

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