Skinny Jeans, My Ass

Danny, Shrek, Peter and George, THE LITHE ORIENTALS at Kabuki in Oxford

By POOR WILLIAM

What in sam hill are skinny jeans and why would any man wear ‘em, unless he could? I can’t, so to hell with skinny jeans. Levi’s defines them as follows: “Skinny jeans are form fitting and designed to accentuate your shape.”

What shape? Can’t nobody but nobody fit in skinny jeans if they have any shape! Skinny jeans are an oxymoron in the Deep South, the far West, the blue-collared North and the…well, I ain’ so sure about the East coast and the Far East is absolutely out of the question.

I bet Mr. Levi never figured menfolk would be wearing skinny jeans, even though the original Levi wearers were likely a hell of a lot skinnier than today’s behemoths (moi included), who pull up their fat-boy jeans to the bottom of their bellies, ensuring they can still fit in something in the mid-30’s size wise, regardless of protruding girths shaped to make the ladies swoon.

As a sales manager for an industrial uniform company in another life, I remember it being par for the course for Texas workers who ordered the Wrangler Levis as their work uniform to always order a 36-inch inseam, even if they were two-foot nothin’! Hell, I could stand in a pair of 36-inch inseam britches and still have room for Magical Madge to stand on my head and qualify as a Mississippi Toddy, All Head and NoBody!

Now, don’ get me wrong, I am about to waste away to nothin’! I been meaning to start my post-holiday diet plan to get rid of these extra 120 pounds of lean, jungle cat, so that I can be ready to chop cotton, swim the Mississippi River, and wear me some of them damn skinny jeans come summer! Skinny jeans, my ass.

Danny, Shrek, Peter and George, THE LITLE ORIENTALS at Kabuki in Oxford