I’ve Missed the Gym

Poor William Billy Howell and Devail Anderson at Snap Fitness in Clarksdale, MS

Poor William Billy Howell and Devail Anderson at Snap Fitness in Clarksdale, MS


CLARKSDALE, Mississippi

NOTE: The reason Poor William and Pontificus both love to refer to themselves in the third person is because many politicians and preachers do it all the time, and the two boys want to share in the awesome sense of grandeur the third person spoken in the first person provides to such splendiferous leaders.

Poor William’s boyhood friend, idol, and great American, Slim Jim Peay made a comment on the Delta Bohemian, in reference to the recent article, “If a Little is Good, then…” He refers to Poor William by one of his childhood nicknames, Lil Round.

Lil Round’s dad, Roundman, was legendary for many reasons, two of them being his fantastic intellect and his illustrious size. With a daddy named Roundman, how much of a chance did a fellow named Lil Round have at staying lithe and svelte in his later days?

Poor William was not much of an athlete in high school. Oh, he played several sports, but he was 3-foot nothing and did not possess his now-honed moves of a jungle cat and his killer instinct guarded by his very reputation. Wait, he doesn’t have a reputation–at least not a good one.

Well, Lil Round has been in the gym for the last six-out-of-seven days, and he fears the Olympic hopeful might have ridden all the rough off several treadmills. He daily lives with the envy seen in the eyes of those with “guns” larger than his, but smaller than his could be. Oh yeah, they know potential when basking in his understated glory.

Poor William saw a fellow working out in the gym who had upper arms bigger than Poor William’s thighs. They were the size of Civil War cannons. No kidding. He wants cannons like that, but he is not sure yet how he can “think” his way into possessing them.

He and his marital Magical cohort have started working out daily at Snap Fitness and eating fresh food, though they do plan on keeping their alternating Sunday-after-church visits to Abe’s Barbeque and Atzimba Mexican restaurant. Poor William lost his twelve-step battle with pork, dips, fried shrimp and oysters on Super Bowl Sunday. It was ugly and brutal.

Recently, Poor William hit his all time high in the weight category. He heard an audible grown from his bathroom scales when he gingerly eased up on them.

The final straw occurred when Poor William realized he could no longer see his Johnson (No! Not Little Shaw Johnson The Third) without looking in a mirror–time for a major behavioral paradigm shift.

In a mere seven days, he has seen his energy level skyrocket, his breathing become easier as he climbs steps at The Clark House and the Salon de Boheme, while observing the sheer evaporation of seven pounds of something other than muscle. The Johnson should come into view later this week. Woohoo!

His girth is literally being shred before his eyes. Hot chicks and women on the periphery are already contemplating which pair of panties they will throw at him, just as they threw them at Poor William’s fellow Welshman, Tom “What’s New Pussycat” Jones.

Poor William will likely need to slow his roll at the gym, as it will overly tax his Magical Bride, who will be tasked with beating the plethora of dames off of him with a Buford Pusser McNairy County “Walking Tall” puck wood stick.

He is glad to be back in the gym, but make no mistake; it sure ain’t easy being Poor William.

We highly encourage comments!


Poor William Billy Howell wearing a Johnny McPhail Posse Tshirt at Snap Fitness in Clarksdale, Mississippi


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  1. Good luck to you Poor William. I am disparaged to report that I, Lord Chuck, have recently taken a minor spill off of the wagon and found myself indulging in more than my fair share of fried delicacies. I must also admit that the old treadmill has been gathering its share of West Texas top soil. I think I may borrow the aspiring words of Poor William and renew my vows to lightening the load placed upon my leather Dockers.
    Endeavor to Persevere Poor William, Endeaver!

  2. Your career in sports: Round, my Brother! You Might Have Been Small, But BY-God, You Were Slow! And that counts for something. I don’t care if it “Hair Lips” everyone in The Delta.

    Jeff “Full” Greer

  3. William is the “Only” Man I have seen that could smoke five Vantage Lite’s at the same time, with a beer in each hand, and still beat your ass off on a poker game. Nuff Said? Don’t know yet.

    Jeff “Full” Greer

  4. Good luck but I believe this task falls somewhere under the Serenity Prayer:
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

  5. LD, you seem unsure of Swamp Rat’s podner’s ability to change his girth to something under 5 feet! Damn, you might be right, but I intend on being so thin that one shot of Sweet Lucy will put me under the table! PW

  6. Try pilates. But be sure to get one of those Jack LaLane outfits that lil John likes to wear while he’s parading around the stabbin’ cabin.

  7. Wait till you get a hold of the “Three Edam Cheese Balls” you have requested me to bring back from Cow-Town. You’ll Think Gym after devouring those. Please be advised “Rebel Fans”. The ONLY reason I am going to Stark-Vegas is to attend a Fisheries Conference and to bring Edam Cheese balls home for PW.

    Jeff “Full” Greer

  8. PW. Where On God’s Beautiful Green Earth, Did You Get That “Arkansas Clap Doctor’s Cap”?

  9. Bout time you mentioned my name in one of your many articles!!!
    Dont kid yourself Lil Round, you could NEVER see your “Lil Johnson” without lookin in the mirror!!!!

  10. Arkansas Clap Doctor’s cap- dat is sum funny shiite

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